Le ciel est vieux

Gotta pick myself up, where do I start, cause I can’t turn to you when it all falls apart.

Finally done with my prospective timetable for Sem 1 into University. Ended up deciding Communication Studies can wait till next sem. Gonna do what I like instead of letting the work bog down on me. Let my hair down, take a deep breath and learn to have fun.

Maybe I need to see the daylight, leave behind this half-life

May there be little changes and I can successfully get what I want on 8th August. Still find it hard keeping up with the immense amount of work there is to do, the dates to take note of, the events to go for.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts

Going to university can feel like a very adult thing to do.

As we grow older, the more decisions we have to make. Harder decisions. More important decisions. Which is why university is a very adult thing to do, because it comes with many decisions right from the start. I have learnt so much since my last day at NYJC. The possible roads to take are many and every tiny decision is going to make a huge difference to your future. 8 months of varied experiences. Working in M & S, being a teacher, being a tuition teacher, having Sebastian go into the army and advance to officer command school and now, it’s time to go back to school… But university doesn’t feel like school very much. School, I associate with youthful recklessness, uniforms, getting scolded by teachers, laughing till we hurt, hurting till we laugh, flying too high than you are meant to, falling harder than you can bear. But university, those things are a bit different. They have taken on a different tone, a different shade.

I can’t explain what you can’t explain…

Today I drew a diagram for Bella, my tuition kid.

Primary school —> Secondary School —-> JC or Poly —-> University

I circled Primary school and said “This is where you are.” And then I circled ‘University’ and say “This is where I am.”

I don’t know why drawing it out made me feel nostalgic. I am a university undergraduate. Seems like yesterday sometimes, that I am still a kid playing with sand at the playground.

It’s only a matter of time…

I am as he does

And you are as she was

And that’s because, and that’s because…

……

Sew them tight at the seams please,

I’ve got so many ripped knees.

Haven’t been updating in ages…

Basically, university life begins in 1 week for me. My braces are out and I am wearing retainers now. I am getting very sick of blogging. Life’s too happening to blog? Maybe. Seb’s away at OCS. The rewards better be worth the 9 months. Every time I hear him on the phone, I feel like crying. Most of the time I give in and actually cry. But not out loud, because then he will keep asking whether I am okay. Block leave gives you 1 week to get used to his presence and then OCS takes him away for 3 weeks.

Things at home are the usual, except this big thing happened sometime last week? And things are a little strained. Am wondering whether anything ever changes around here. Nigel said that things don’t change, we just deal with it the best we can till we leave and go find our own world out there. But if we can’t keep the world we are given at birth in one piece, how do we create a world on our own? A world worth calling home? If a leopard never changes its spots, if history keeps repeating itself, and what comes around goes around, then when will it ever end?  Been so emotionally and physically drained because of this… Haven’t had a good night’s sleep ever since. Restless insomniac, rambling in my own head, my own droning woes. But I’m still breathing.

Thank God I can still count on friends to make life bearable. Thank God I can still do some crafts when I need to get my mind off my problems. Thank God there are good movies to watch so I can temporarily escape to a different world. Thank God that I have books to devour. Thank God that whatever happens at home, my family is still living under the same roof and we are still alive, atoning, trying to accept, learning. I am still trying. Thank God that unexpected joys and encouragements still come in time of need. Thank God that I can still say I love you, and hear the people I love say it back. Thank God that despite the tears, I can still find reasons to smile. All our problems have been filtered by God, and every burden we face has been lightened by God. So, thank you, God.

The problems ahead have to be faced. They will come and I won’t shy away.

I am so hungry but I can hear my aunt outside, so she’s home and that means my food is here.

I wanted to blog everyday in NZ, but not every hotel had a good internet connection and I fell really sick like on my third day in NZ? Sucks! Felt so lousy for so many days I didn’t bother looking good for the camera. Hair was in a mess, was sleeping all the time and looked a mess.

I really am not suited for the cold weather. I have been going to winter trips since I was baby and I am sorry if this makes me sound like a brat, but I really don’t like ice and snow. I know many people here back in Singapore would love to see snow fall from the sky and experience the wonderment of hiking up a glacier, but I really don’t like how cold weather  makes me feel. The constant taking off and putting on of clothes is a hassle and I always fall sick in cold countries. For some strange reason, I always get sore throats in cold countries and then it usually follows with flu or a cold and then fever. My immune system sucks when the temperature’s low. I hate the feeling of  a runny nose. And when your family’s obsessed with winter, you find yourself seeing too much of winter to be impressed. And I have had many bad experiences in winter weather to like winter. Like in Switzerland, on the top of Jungfraujoch, where I suffered jet lag and altitude sickness. I nearly died there and it didn’t help that my cousin fainted. I felt short of breath, nauseous and giddy.  And no amount of glacier was going to make that amount of discomfort worthwhile. Think I am exaggerating? One tourist was sent to the first aid room with an oxygen tank equipment plastered to her face. And it’s all real pretty when you see it on television, but no one tells you how slippery those things are. You fall, you lose your shoes in knee deep snow and your gloves and socks get wet. When you wear waterproof gloves, they make your hands clumsy and you can’t really feel them and taking pictures becomes difficult.

I was thankful to be already feeling quite okay on the day I hiked up Fox Glacier. It was a day my family and I were anticipating because of the helicopter ride we had to take. The Helihike gets cancelled a lot due to bad weather, so I am really grateful we were able to go. And I must say watching a helicopter fly and land so close to you is really cool. It’s exactly like the movies with the whipping wind, the whirring blades and the guys with the headphones. And it’s cool when you get in and the pilot talks to you and you hear his voice through your headphones. And it’s cool when the helicopter turns and swerves and gets close to the nooks and crannies of the glaciers. It doesn’t feel really scary and there is no reason to scream or shout, it does feel very safe like my guide said it would. Now I know that when movies show women screaming in helicopters, they are exaggerating. There is really NO reason to feel any fear. Well, unless you are afraid of heights and flying (like Meg Ryan in French Kiss). I really enjoyed my ride until I landed on the glacier and my hike began. We had to put on crampons and we were given metals staffs/walking sticks.

Crampons, the little devils.

This picture is no where close to showing you how totally sinister the above contraption is. My crampons had like metal spikes and they covered the whole bottom of the shoe. Wearing these things are meant to help you hike in the snow and on the ice without falling. But we were told right at the start that if you are tiny and weigh less (the guide was staring at me the whole time he said this), you ought to get ready to stomp a little harder using these crampons so the spikes will penetrate the ice and give you a proper hold. We are on a glacier where it’s meant to be colder than ground level. But I actually perspired during the two and a half hour hike, so I think you can imagine how much stomping around that required. Fox Glacier is pretty cool and the ice tunnels and caves with the watery puddles are surreal.

Okay, I am getting lazy to type now. Am gonna go watch a movie now.

And photos are uploaded on FB, under the album names Aroha Aotearoa and Aroha Aotearoa II. There are more photos to come still and that includes the photos I took at Fox Glacier.

For those whom I have not made this clear enough, I am going to NTU to study English Literature (Considered a major in English). I know it’s odd that I never posted anything about my decision-making. I am just going to quickly summarise it so people can stop asking and I can stop repeating myself.

1. NUS didn’t accept me to begin with. Yea, my paper grades weren’t that great. But amusing enough, I am not complaining about those grades that turned out unexpectedly not so good. Because if I want to complain about that, I will have to complain about the one single grade that turned out so awesome it blew my socks off (or more realistically, it really just blew my mouth open, and that just sounds…never mind.) I jumped 5 grades for a subject I have been failing my entire life. I got a B grade after being told to my face that I couldn’t make it and that my standard was like that of a Primary School child. Anyone who knows me in real life will know I am talking about Math, the ultimate subject that has depressed and tormented me for years, and that I have made the insane decision of choosing to take in JC. I got a B, an incredible feat for someone who is rock bottom for her entire life. If Math had a food chain, or rather a grade scale, I am lower than Plankton. I am just that pathetic. So pathetic I can’t tell time at the age of 18. When my dear and close friend, Teng Ping wanted to test me for Math, she gives me questions like 5+8. And she is kind of impressed when I get it right. So you can imagine. Yes, I have to repeat this story fifty times to everyone because I am just that proud of my Math score. I am almost an inspiration for people who suck at Math.

2. I was invited to the NTU Literature interview and despite being late for it (another long story I don’t like repeating), I was told to relax and they were very understanding about it. The professor was so nice and adorable. Despite looking very stern, he was really fun to talk to and not intimidating. And he introduced me to their new creative writing module, which sounds cool. And their Assistant Manager even bothered to ask us how the interview. She even remembered my name. When she talked to me over the phone, she even commented that my email was alliterative and read it the way it ought to be read, instead of spelling it out as if it was really hard to pronounce. Most of the time people just make me feel that my email ought to be embarrassing. You guys just don’t get it, so shut up. (Don’t take ‘shut up’ seriously. I say it all the time.)

After this interview, my heart was really happy and excited about studying at NTU, under the awesome professor. In fact, I found myself knowing a lot more about what NTU offered than what NUS offered (they didn’t have a booth for Literature during the open house). If I went to NUS and disliked it there, I know I would compare it with what I do know in NTU and hate myself. I would probably be bitter about not having followed my heart.

3. When NTU accepted me, I wanted so badly to just accept them and forget about NUS. Checking NUS’ website and admission portal was driving me insane and I felt I had better things to do than wait for a university that wasn’t considering me. So, finally, around 2 weeks before the rejection letter came from NUS, I accepted NTU. So now I am just waiting for the NTU package to come. I am super excited!

4. I know 2 people who went to NTU Literature, but I know no one taking Literature in NUS. So having people to ask about it actually made it more enticing to take it up. And Seb thinks NTU Literature is very suitable for me. And I trust Seb a lot. Having him support my decision to go to NTU means a lot to me.

There are some obstacles that I predict myself facing in NTU.

1. The distance. NTU is in the middle of no where, and this I quote from one of their professors during the NTU seminar. Affectionately (or not so affectionately) nicknamed Pulau NTU, the distance is a big turn-off for many people. And I don’t live in Boon Lay, where I can claim to be close enough to ‘the middle of no where’. In fact, I live in Sengkang, which a quick check on an SMRT map would show you, IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FREAKING SINGAPORE! Excuse my violent outburst. I remembered leaving my house 2 HOURS IN ADVANCE for my NTU Literature interview. And despite a few unforeseen circumstances along the way, I was late!!! So you can imagine! The only thing I can look forward to is for the Buona Vista line to open late this year and save me some time travelling. Even then, I have to take a train to Serangoon, transfer to the Circle Line and take it to Buona Vista, switch to the Green Line and take it to Boon Lay or Pioneer to take a bus to school. Urgh. But all things come with both positive and negative consequences. The positive consequence of taking a hell-ride to school every day is that having motion-sickness and an innate phobia of shaky bus rides with nauseating stenches is that I lose weight. And combined with a tight, stressful schedule with little time to eat and sleep, I usually lose weight pretty fast.

2. The fact that NUS is more prestigious and recognised than NTU on an international scale. But I think that can be easily countered. Just study your butt cheeks off (and I mean to), clinch yourself a scholarship, go overseas when possible and maintain an astonishing GPA. But yes, that is easier said than done. But we can always dream and no one has the right to say that I can’t dream big. After all, who’s to say what will happen in the next 4 years? Singapore is changing so rapidly that currently, our university graduates actually have problems finding jobs. So, getting into university or not getting into a university is NOT in any way a standard of which to determine whether you will or will not succeed in life. It’s only one of the possible first steps to make after successfully surviving the JC/Poly system or whichever way you took to get a place in university. Some people might go for gap years, immediately go overseas, strive to be the next Bill Gates or focus on developing a musical or dance talent. Well, go for it! Don’t let people with rigid mindsets stop you. Take the road less taken. Heck, take the road that’s never taken. Go be somebody! I am an arts person and I am bloody proud of it, and people have been judging me for it all my life, telling me there’s nothing here for me in Singapore, that I will never earn much, that I am probably crazy. Hello, we are not crazy, we just know how to have fun! And you know what’s fun? There’s a module in NTU Literature called Literature and Madness. I am going to take it, and that’s not crazy, that’s crazy-ass fun! The only difference between people is whether you just spend your life dreaming, or whether you get up and make it come true.

3. The people or culture. I had a pretty bad impression of NTU when I went for the open house. It looks youthful and energetic, but I am not sure youthful and energetic are words that could be used to describe me. I am 18 and sometimes I feel like I am ready for retirement. I am not exactly shorts and knee socks jumping about like the energizer bunny. I am legally 18 with a 30 year old mindset, trapped in a 12 year old’s body. I am not ready for High School Musical 4. And having most of my close friends (including Seb) go to NUS makes me kind of the only one going to NTU. I could focus on studies, let myself slip into the shadows of the NTU social network, content to immerse in academics and lurk in the background but I have heard myself say this so many times I know it’s bullshit. I will end up making friends that I would cry and laugh with. Let’s hope we cry with joy at our OUTSTANDING GPAs and laugh at each other when we get lost in NTU where wild pigs come to die. Sounds awesome? Yea, and I have not even made these supposed ‘new friends’ yet. Wish me luck?

So comes the big question, the original reason why I typed this blog. WHY AM I NOT GOING TO STAY IN HALL?

1. Because Hall is expensive. I need to pay for air-con (which is definitely a necessity since it’s called Pulau NTU for a reason.)

2. Because the only very successful dishes I have cooked so far are spaghetti, potato salad and omelette, and I am not sure whether I want to spend 1 semester eating those and close variations of those. I don’t think I have the time to learn new stuff if I am going to be studying my butt cheeks off. And I have a belief. ‘Anything tastes good with cheese and egg.’ I don’t think that’s a very good belief to have, especially when I have to take care of my meals myself in hall.

3. Because I am still working as a tuition teacher (twice a week currently) and the venue is a 5 minutes walk from my house. I intend to continue after university starts to give me some extra pocket money and to help my mum with university expenses etc. And to kind of compensate for not going to NIE in the end. She was really looking forward to not having to support me in University. So if I have to head back home two times during weekdays to have tuition and then take a long ride back to NTU, I think I’d rather stay at home.

4. My boyfriend whom I meet every weekend, at least once a week, lives in Serangoon. Being in NS, he needs lots of love and support and I am not going to make him wait for me to travel from ‘middle of no where’ to Serangoon every weekend to see him. It’s bad enough that one of us is in Pulau Tekong, we don’t need another to be in Pulau NTU. And though he is coming out of Tekong soon, some of the army places are near NTU, so on days of book out, I can just stay in school and wait for him! YAY! And to be honest, if I have to travel from NTU on weekends to visit my boyfriend, I think I might die under the pressure of having to catch up with work over the weekends and spending quality time with boyfriend. So NTU will take up my Mondays to Fridays (even lesser days if my timetable can help it) and the rest of the days are strictly BOOK-OUT-OF-PULAU-NTU time. Seriously, I really shouldn’t compare NS with NTU. There is no comparison, because NS is much worse. Sorry, NS people.

5. If I end up hating hall, I would kick myself and go chase after wild hogs in NTU as an attempt at suicide. Coming home to family’s nagging, ready-to-eat meals, washed clothes, comfortable bed, warm shower and people whom I can sleep, drool, snore, sleep-talk, sleep-walk around is so much better. Family is always better.

6. I am considering Night Hog-Hunting in NTU, so I don’t think I am cut out for Hall life. I might die of excitement and exposure. I would probably be the kind to not want to sleep at night, drag my room mate up for late night supper and then seriously jeopardise my GPA by signing up for some lame truth or dare session I will regret having when my GPA drops and I don’t get considered for a scholarship.

For the above reasons, I rule out hall life. Currently reading about Post-Mao Chinese Fashion and planning for my New Zealand trip. Earthquake in Canterbury today. Why do I choose such a dangerous time to go to New Zealand? Let me tell you why. For whales. For a freaking sperm whale I am guaranteed to see. That’s why. I might die there and never live to tell the tale of how I saw a sperm whale. I sold my life for sperm whale.

P.S. I was asked a few times and tempted a few times over the past few days to join hall, which is why I decided to type this post. It’s closure for myself, a way to be more logical than just let temptation overwhelm my head. I apologise once more sincerely to all those I have rejected for requests to be room-mates. To be honest, I am going to be a bad room-mate, so heave your sigh of relief that I did not say yes.

P.P.S. I know I said this was going to be a summary. I lied. Sue me.

“sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me.”

You hear this on the radio and you know it’s a new era we are living in.

I have been watching so many movies!

The modern and most recent version of  ’A Chinese Ghost Story’, ‘The Virgin Suicides’, ‘The Girl with a Dragon Tattoo’, ‘The Girl who Played with Fire’, ‘Hangover’, ‘Scary Movie’, ‘Scary Movie 2′ ,  a few episodes of ‘Secret Diary of a Call Girl’ (don’t judge! Billie Piper is awesome!), rewatched ’27 dresses’ (and remembered why I didn’t like it.) and rewatched ‘Gossip Girl Season 1′.

Better start doing something more useful with my time.

Am about to finish reading another book by Palahniuk. Gonna start on a new book and do more research online for my NZ trip. I also want to get a pair of new shoes, make that two pairs. I need a new pair of slippers and another pair of sneakers. Make that three pairs. I want a pair of kitten heels or flats. WANT.MORE.SHOES.

I bought lots of purses, bags and pouches for University. But I want more clothes and shoes. And accessories.

How do I save up for a DSLR at this rate? Luckily I am still working as a tutor.

I want to go for suntan, swimming, shopping. The weather these days are absolutely terrible.

Hello, period, please come soon. I don’t like having PMS and I don’t want you to ruin my NZ trip.

By Anna Maria DeMari.

So we will smoke on the big cigars and get dirty, our sins inked on our skins.

There is much to do, yet I am so into this relaxed mode, where I drink milo and do nothing substantial. Just listening to Metric on loop and surfing the web. It’s good I have tuition in half an hour or this day would really be unprofitable. Will spend tuition planning what to do later in my head. Bf is having outfield, which means 13 days with little of him.